Kuzzy's Journal

There are no suiting subject for this shit...

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 01:13:06 GMT

Okay, this is going to become somewhat personal. A long rant perhaps, but a personal one. I hate to be talking about myself, and I don't want people to assume I am a egoistic, narcistic asshole. I would hate to bear that title... but this... what has just happend in my life is just something I have to write about. Not becouse you as a watcher has to take stand in it, or help me out, but becouse I just want someone laying eyes on it. Read on or turn around now, I'm not forcing anyone to read it... this is mainly for myself.

My parents have been divorced for a long time, almost since my birth. I don't mind, I share a little bit of both of them. But the problem has not been my parents, the problems have been my mum and her new boyfriend. They met eachother 4 years ago, and has since snailed themselfes so tighty together, economically speaking, that it is almost impossible to divorce from eachother. And seeing as me and my little sister still lives home, we get a healthy share of the problems...

They have this tendecy to start a really loud argument right after midnight, often the day before some damn important exam or a very long awaited trip. Both me and my sister hate it, but I have come to such heated arguments with my mum when I try to explain that we both hate it that I have given up trying to talk sense into her. Our fight over the fight itself is usually worse than the fights themselfes.

My natural feeling was that I should wait it out. It's not my problem anyway. I'm going to move out in a little over a year anyway. I could manage.

Then in 2005 I was sitting at my computer, one evening, and they were having one of their clashes. I just ignored it as usual, but when a giant roar was heard. I ran out, and found my stepdad bleeding from the head... my mum had flailed a damn wineglass across his face, and then another one at her own wrist...

Don't get my mum wrong. She has never been a physical fighter... but... things must have reached a certian boilingpoint by then. And things were never the same again. I've been constantly worried that they were about to hurt themselfes again. I knew they could, and I know my stepdad enough to know that if something like that EVER happend again, he would probably go to court to imprison my mum for assault...

Thankfully, it hasn't happend again. But instead, the fights have grown thicker. It's reached the point were I go to my dorm in Stockholm rather than to stay home and face an almost certain fight. They hate eachothers guts, but live with the damn facade of happyniess towards the surroundings. They even work at the same place, and people there have NO idea how much they fight. You can feel the air tingling with nervousity around the table in the evenings...

Then, tonight at 3 hours past midnight I was awakened in my dorm by my cellphone. It was my sister. At first, I was afraid my mum or someone else had had a heartattack or something, but I was actually relieved when she told me that they had had one of their major fights again. But this was more major than before. Not in a physical way, but my stepdad had actually threatened to throw them out of OUR appartment. He said it was HIS, which it truly isn't (My mum earns a whole lot of more money that he do, she having a better job than him...). And a threat like that does not come without consequence... I hope... There is no damn reason to why they should stay together whatsoever. But it means problems... we could have to move, money will grow thin again if we end up on one payroll...

So, my sister is going to sleep with me tomorow. I am going to go on sickleave from work and hopefully my mum will come along. I inheritly wish that they finally get divorced, even if it so means that we need to find a new place to stay. I don't hate my stepdad, and I don't hate my mum. I hate their constant damn arguing.

If I am ever getting kids, I know damn sure what NOT to do... I've been raised in this hell, both with my stepdad and my real dad. I fucking hate the guts of it...

I don't say the F word a lot, but I just have to do it here... There are nothing worse, in this world, than raising kids through any kinds of trouble, be it drugs, alchohol, arguing, fighting, abuse, physical fighting or even economic instability. I've just fallen victim to a few, but it's damn enough for me to fucking hate it...

Sisters home

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 00:54:38 GMT

My sister is finally home, and I'm kinda washed out. I've been helping her for several days at the hospital. She still can't walk as she used to, and her mouth hurts when she speak (and luaghs, to her dismay at times :) ). Anyhow, she is normal otherwise, but she says that this passed wednesday was the worst day in her entire life. But it is so great to see her standing again!

Tomorow.

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 00:58:55 GMT

Tomorow's my sisters surgury. 4 hours sleep until I get up to go with the first train to Stockholm. Even then I wont be able to see her before the procedure. I hope it goes as it should....

Operation

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 22:32:18 GMT

My little sister is going to have this operation this wednesday. It isn't a dangerous procedure, but nevertheless it is not a fun one. I mean, it is going to hurt to dig in her. She seems so cool about it. I use to be the cool one in our two man team, but I am teatering on the edge. I try not to show it, and I hope it does not show either. I don't want to scare her....

I really hate hospitals, I don't know why. I do most things without wondering or being afraid. I've been flying most about everything up until now. Helis, cessnas, commercials, soarers... I luagh at horror movies. And I think dogs, snakes, spiders, insects and the like are just cute. But when it comes to needles, hospitals and pain I am absolutley terrified. And imagining my sister lying there on the operation table in just 2 days...

I'll just try to clear my head with some music this evening...

Art, the devious way.

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 23:31:07 GMT

Just if you got time: http://kuzzy.deviantart.com/

This whole art thing is quite fun :).

Family reunion.

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 03:51:38 GMT

I just thought I could start blogging a few philosophical questions regarding our lifestyle. Infantilisism isn't always the easiset burden to bear, not to a single person effected by it, and bringing up discussions about it can only be good. I want people to post replies, I want to start a debate. Talking about everyday life as a ínfatilist is something everyone should do, personally I need to let my steam escape at times.

I'm going to start out with a thing that happend when I was about 15 years old. I was at a family reunion in the middle of the summer, a holiday closly related to thanksgiving in the states. I'm lucky and born in a nice family so I wasn't partucilary bothered or bored with the whole thing. Instead I was enjoying the food, and the discussions going around the table. I remeber my two sisters (one much older than me, the other one year younger), my parents, my mums new guy, my grandmother and a few uncles and aunts sitting talking. Perhaps a group of 10 people sitting around ejoying some time off. You all know how it goes, passing food, eating good food, luaghing at times and frowning at others. We had a good time, and I was enjoying myself.

Then all of a sudden a totally unexpected topic came up.

My older sister had seen some tv-show that same week and popped the sudden question: "Did anyone of you see that freak show last week in which they showed the couple who enjoyed wearing diapers?".
My eyes quickly scurried to the bread and I started cutting the beef as I tried not to flinch. My mum sat right opposed to me, and she is one of the few who knows about my infantilist side so I carefully avoided any unnececery eyecontact with her, fearing that a single move could give something away.

When my sisters question had been drying in the sun for a few seconds without answer she took word again, frowning.
"Yeah, they ran around the house in just a tshirt and a diaper. How could one do that voluntary, that's just so goddamn gross and sick!"
After this the usual agreeing nodding and "Mm-hm"s followed from everyone around the table. It was expected, of course. When she laid the plate out like that everyone had to agree. But the biggest suprise was that I joined in. I said "yes" loudly and nodded. There I was, calling my very core, my very personality gross and sick. By uttering the little sound "mm-hm" I froze myself out, I had called myself a pervert. I had done it in the heat of the moment, just to make myself look like a "normal". It took a moment for me to relize what I had done, and my heart sank a mile when I did. At the same time I tried to keep the barrier up so no one would notice.

My sister babbled on a few more minutes and brought up some situation she had been in a long time ago, when she had to wear diapers (and of course explained how gross it was). As she talked I came up with several things I wanted to say to defend myself, but I quickly assesed the situation and came to the conclusion that it would be too risky. What if they would see that I was in a hurry to justify the whole thing? So I just tried to let the conversation die away as fast as possible. It broke every nerve in me to stay silent. It even temporarly broke my pride. But eventually they moved on to other, more "important" things.

They had no idea that they had bumped straight into my weak spot. My own sister had no idea that she had hit me with a pchycological sledgehammer. I was quite sad a long time after that. It wasn't due to the fact that my sister thought what she did. I had tackled worse oppinoins before. It was due to the fact the the my own family forced me to call myself a freak.

What would you have done in that sitation? Agreed, opposed, stayed silent or perhaps even confessed? Share please!

A little note for all the non-infantilists that may read this. That program was indeed gross, and they showed off the worst side of our paraphilia. But just becouse we are born with a strange urge doesn't mean we don't feel. And again, we are actually born with it. We don't choose it. Infantilism can be read on more here: http://understanding.infantilism.org/what.php . It should be pointed out that it's a whole lot more than what she talked about (and what the program talked about). The infantilism is about feeling secure and comforted again, not necesserily wearing diapers for choice. I've heard off several people who have tried to opress it, and more than one have ended up taking their own life... be carefull of what assumptions you make...

A strange thing just happend, it all being almost 6 months since.

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 01:18:11 GMT

Hey everybody.

I don't have many friends on my list, and a couple of you don't know me that well. It's my mistake, I havn't looked around LJ that much at all and should really grab my ass and find out where all my furrends are hiding.

I've been away for far too long, reallife playing that old trick on me. Being a eurofur develops the nice sideeffect of a completly destroyed sleep-pattern. If you want to go online and chat, you better do it at a really late hour. Otherwise it can be hard to meet anyone that I know. We got alot of furs here, but lets face it: most of you guys live in the states. So for the past six months I've basicly been sleeping.

I do want to come back, but I am afraid of how many of you guys and gals who are still here. I really miss you all, and if I wasn't there when somebody took a break, went on a yearlong trip or just cubbed out for half a year like I did I am going to go insane of the uncertainty.

I hope you all are well and that I'll get the time too hook up with you soon again.

For the better.

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 19:50:20 GMT

As I always told myself. I'll always try to keep Kuzzy away from the real me. Kuzzy is me... that is right. But i dont want "Kuzzy-Me" to lean to the way to "Real-me". This blog is creating that problem. I think i wanted a dairy. I think it was wrong to lay my diary into my "Kuzzy-me" as it is more belonging to "Real-me". I think I'll create a new LJ wich i will keep without friends for now, where I can add the "dairy" stuff into. I'll keep this one as a freinds watcher though. And of course to be in some BF,LF groups.